blah

for a little bit, i was getting back in high spirits — or maybe just spirited alone.

but it seems in the past 24 hours, ive sunk back down again. i apologize in advance for all this crap you may read — but this is the only way i can find to somewhat cope with it. i KNOW it’s school that’s the cause of this. today i found out that i got a 68 on an anthro test i had this morning — which i expected a B on. and i might have to drop my math class cause im doing so bad in it. i want to pass math, but i swear…that class, math and i REALLY don’t get along. I may understand it on the homework for a least a little bit, but then on the test, it’s like WHOOSH — all previous knowledge gone. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.

i also feel soo stupid. i use to be one of the “smart” students in class. Almost all As, maybe a B and a C in math. but now i feel sooo utterly dumb. i really am loathing this feeling.  i know it has to do with my insane lack of ability to concentrate (like now — suppose to be editing an english essay), and severe procrastination. most of my distractions come from the simming world — so i probably will have to take a break — at least until i feel somewhat confident in my classes. because summer’s so close, and then i’ll be online all the time without a worry in the world. as for now…really have to focus on my academics and get out of this rut.

but next year, it’ll be art and creative writing major — better be good.

empty

i really need to get this out. and i dont care if anyone reads this or not. i need to say it, or i will just crack.

i don’t know what to do anymore. this week has been horrible. all i’ve felt like doing is just sleeping and watching tv (if that). i can barely get myself to go on the computer to even talk on msn, much less do sim writing, or homework.

this feeling of emptiness is pressing so hard on my chest, i can hardly breathe. all i want to do is just lay in my bed, and curl up into a tiny ball. i don’t want to talk to anyone. don’t want to think about anything.

i had a fight with my best friend — maybe its made me realize how alone i truly am. i don’t know what to do. i just don’t know. i feel dead inside. gray would best to describe how i feel.

i guess im depressed. cause im sounding an awfully a lot like evelyn from my story. this is just plain retarded.

i look at the things i once loved, and find no inspiration or excitement in them. my laughs are forced, and i smile weakly. it’s sunny and warm outside, and i just want to draw the curtains.

i just don’t know what to do.

where to turn. im lost.

i hope this ends soon. if it doesn’t…i just don’t know.

i could be brown, i could be blue

“Grace Kelly” by Mika ^^

____

ahh spring break. ^________________________________________^

yessssss. i love it. our final grades are posted this coming up thursday. bah. i don’t even want to think about it.

today was pretty good on the social scale. i actually hung out with a friend…ohh yesss. She goes to a college in Seattle, so we met up, ate some thai food and green tea ice cream and then went to watch “Reign Over Me”. gah…GOOD movie. reallyyy emotional and moving i think.

been working on the garden gate site. i only have 2 or so pages left to do…but then i have to figure out the code so people can post comments on the story there. that’ll be a fiery bag of crap for sure.  and my html decided to eff up and basically throw up on my webpage. i thought everything was good, then i forgot to add heading to a certain page and then KAPLOO…exploded. i’ll have to take the better half of my brain tomorrow and figure out what i did wrong. — probably something tiny and stupid…always is.

this monday i’m going with my dad out to the olympic national park. anyone know what that means….? set of the book “twilight” baby! haha. ill take lots of pictures ^__^. I think i might have gone through forks before i read the book. because we went allllll the way out to La Push one time. (dear god — longest trip of my LIFE! — we went all the way down to oregon and back up the coastline. NOT a good idea if anyone’s thinking about doing it themselves) And to get back to Seattle, theres a major road to take — which goes right through Forks. tricky tricky. we’re actually going out to this place called Shi Shi beach, and you can check out the tide pools, wildlife, amazing sceneries and such there.  yes, i will be bringing my camera. i predict several odd photos of my dad throughout it.

wow okay. 4:27am. perhaps i should go to bed?

please be quiet…

i will personally kill my dorm neighbors.

i definitely won’t to go into detail…but they have a problem controlling their volume level….especially when one of them likes to take in some…”woohoo”ing. >__> NOT COOL!

it was last weekend, last night and tonight. i want to go to bed without having to hear…THAT! so…so very wrong. i think i’ve been scarred for life. and it’s not like my roommate and i can knock on their door and ask politely, “uhm, could you be quieter while you’re having sex? We’re trying to get some sleep, thanks.” UGH.  dorm life…*sigh*

so it’s finals week. eeeeeep! i won’t even go into it. mainly because it’s 2:43am and im tired. haha. lazyness wins out.  as usual.

today was st. patrick’s day. it doesn’t feel like it though. usually it’s a big thing at my house. we watch irish movies, listen to irish music, drink tea and eat scone. i miss it.  = ( my roommate isn’t very irish, so she’s not that into it, like i am. my mom did send me some very pretty white roses with little flowers called “bells of ireland”. and some candy, and an irish blessings book. hehe.

i remember the st. patrick’s day after my grandmom’s death (where the irish comes from), my parents were both working late, and it had been tense all day. My dad was going to have cooked a big irish stew and my mom was going to bake a scone…but it didn’t work out. Instead, I turned on some irish music, boiled myself a couple of little potatoes and had them for dinner with a little cup of tea. hehe, can’t stop me from celebrating st. patrick’s day.

alright, i think i might play sims for a bit — ugh my kids are toddlers…THE worst age EVERRR.

i hate mornings

so just got back from a chem test.

oh how i love thee. *hurls into bucket* something about chemistry and math — does not click for me. bah.

my roommate is still sleeping at the moment. i wanted to watch tv when i came back, but noooo someone wanted to sleep in today! im missing years old reruns of dawson’s creek! how dare she! maybe i should casually toss a pillow at her face? can you even do that casually? haha.

i have a math quiz later today. so wrong. it’s dead week! teacher’s aren’t allowed to do this. >_> . they’re sneaky by doing “quizzes” instead of tests (because they really aren’t allowed to have tests during dead week, but quizzes are okay). sneaky teachers, in some ways, they’re more sly than the students themselves.

but then it’s SPRING BREAK! two weeks of freedom. im uber excited. it’s mainly just going to be my dad and i, so he was planning a lot of day trips together. i think for one of those days we’re going to go into the olympic national rainforest, since everyone raves about it. maybe go to the coastline — to La Push perhaps? It’s an indian reservation…but it’s quite sad there. We went one time before, and theres this dingy old casino nearby, and then all these tiny tiny houses and trailers there. But they had good seafood chowder at this little cliffside (literally) restaurant we went to. >_<. i think we have to go through Forks to get there (GASP!) — but Forks is suppose to be kinda gross. haha. we shall see.

nothing much happened today — still pretty early. blah. i hate mornings. i hate grocery shopping, and i hate mornings.  those are the two things i despise most of all. i swear i will pay someone to do my grocery shopping for me when i have a place of my own. or order them online and have them delivered to my house.

haha, i could basically just live out the rest of my life in my computer chair. order my clothes, food, entertainment online — maybe get a dog (that i would order online) to fetch the stuff for me. hahahaha. oh that would be awesome…in a sad way.

i really really really really really really hope this guy from my philosophy class doesn’t come to my room to “hang out”. i swear its SO awkward. at least for me. because he STARES at me the ENTIRE time. i don’t know if that’s just how he acts with everyone…but i hate it. maybe i’ll go to the library at like 8pm and actually read for my history class — so i can escape him. then tomorrow in philosophy, if he talks about hanging out (which he doesn’t really ask, its just like “we’ll hang out later, okay?”….errrrrr) i’ll just say…erm, erm. ??? i’ll be in the library doing chem project. there we go.

oh this is messed up.

the “mom” factor

ahh saturday. possibly the best day of the week. friday comes close. but saturday pretty much kicks its ass.

my roommate woke me up at around noon to go to breakfast. i could seriously just forget breakfast. though i do like my hashbrowns. just not a breakfast type of gal.

then we went to the university book store, and i bought some st. patrick’s day cards for people. my favorite one is the one i’m sending to my mom. it says.
[FRONT]
Irish Coffee is coffee with booze.
[INSIDE]
Thank You Ireland.
I Love You.

I laughed so hard when i read it, cause my mom loves her irish coffee, and shes the kind of person who would laugh at this as well.  i dont understand when people say they dont get along with their parents. i just can’t relate. i mean, yeah, my parents and i get in fights — especially when we’re both in bad moods. but i laugh with them more than i fight. and it also helps that they’re really lax about a lot of things. and when they were in high school, they were the pot-smokers, getting into trouble, failing classes…whereas i…am preettyy much the opposite. that definitely helps. my mom’s especially cool cause i can talk to her about anything. she’s like my best friend. but there still remains that “mom” factor.

i just ate 5 samoa cookies. and they were delicious. gotta love girl scout cookies.

and i can die when im done

done with midterms. can we say – hell yes?

tomorrow’s wednesday AND valentine’s day.

wednesday + vday = crappiest day allliiiveee.  (good math, eh?)

alright. im overreacting. (as usual). but seriously. ugh. valentine’s day should be renamed, SINGLES AWARENESS DAY.  you know its true. on valentine’s day, you always know whose got a bf/gf and whose all lonely.

as for me, i got toonnss of gifts from someone special. okay my mom. haha. i dont mind. she’s really good at sending me care packages, usually she forgets about stuff like that. she sent me this huuugee assortment of chocolates, a dvd, and a card. pretty good for valentine’s day. haha.

so many people are leaving sims. honestly, WHAT is up with that?! i will admit — sims has gotten old. REALLY old in fact. but i would never LEAVE. i know i couldn’t. the main reason — i love writing and sharing my stories WAYY too much. and two — im part of a big sims family now. and you can never leave your family. ^___^

gugh. i have to start my math homework now. but im lucky. its my ONLY homework tonight. this is a once in a year deal. like a miracle! a valentine’s day miracle! ….okay i think i barfed a little saying that.

You’re right. If I won, I wouldn’t let you go

ahhh okay i just finished watching House of Flying Daggers. best movie evverrr.

i had heard about it, but was never into watching a subtitle flick. but in the recent years, i guess i’ve broadened my horizons? anyhow, i have been DYING to watch it. and it was finally on HBO. i just loved it.

the music was soooo amazing. i’d just watch it for the sweeping soundtrack. and the scenary and special-effects. O_O. enough to keep your mouth gaping the entire time. then there was all these twists and turns. and the plotline…SO amazing. i totally thought it would be about this power struggle over these two groups in ancient china. not really that AT ALL. gahh and the ending. bahhh. okay im going to stop now. haha.

i came home today. woooop. nice to be back. but then i have college looming over my head. i’m so unmotivated in college. in high school — i had the idea of getting accepted into a good school to keep me motivated. i’ve got nothing now. i think it’s because im so confused on what i want to do. i looove art and english. but theres nothing there for me. all the jobs are so sketchy — nothing really solid. which is why i want to major in biology. but im slacking MAJORLY in math and chemistry. i dont know whats up with me. i think i might have to take pre-calc over again, cause i haven’t passed the skills test — that you NEED to pass in order to pass the class. seriously. what the hell is up with me? this isn’t like me. i usually at least TRY.  uuugghhh.

at least i have more friends now. thats a bonus.  i felt HORRIBLE first quarter allll the time, because i honestly didn’t have like ANY friends except my dummmbb roommate. thank god things have gotten better. i know this one really nice girl named erica — i just hope we stay friends in the following years. i feel kind of weird though…cause like ALL her friends are gooorgeous. like it’s some quality you have to have to be her friend. which i mean, is a huge compliment to me. but kind of shallow you know? well its not like she’s mean to other people — so no big deal. just kind of…weird i guess. haha.

alright. enough of me. i think im going to go off and write some more watermark. (i haven’t written anything in over two weeks. eeeeeek)

p.s. title is a quote from “house of flying daggers”. yeah a bit obsessed. haha. PLUS it has the yummy mr. takeshi in it. ahh the asian orlando bloom. *swoons* and zhang ziyi. i SWEAR that woman is the definition of beauty. gahhhh. so gorgeous.

i know ugliness, now show me something pretty

eeeeek.

i haven’t written in here in awhile.  >_<

it’s raining at the moment. skies are gray, and the rain is hitting my window softly.

kind of in a mellow mood now. i have some homework to do (as usual). school has been hitting me hard this quarter. i have  chemistry, pre-calc, history, philosophy.  Just a lot of work. In my chemistry class, we’re in a group for a project due. It’s a pretty good group…except for this one guy. I think his life’s purpose is to make me feel a fool at every moment. Everything I say, he counters it with some remark that makes me feel two inches tall. and before anyone thinks that he likes me — thats way out of the question. I’m sure he just thinks im some dumb blonde.

Then in pre-calc, theres this realllyyy nice guy, whose a year ahead of me, but so nice. We sit kind of next to each other in class, and then he and i both go to our teacher’s office a lot to get help. I wish we could talk — but its mainly like “how do you do this problem?”. And I could never say anything. I get all tongue-tied in those situations, and sound like a COMPLETE fool. Not good for my self-esteem. A quick way to lower it.

THEN theres this guy who lives in my dorm. I first saw him on open-door night in our dorm hall. Where we all open our doors and people can come in and say “hey” basically. And then I would see him alot when I was going to class, and he was coming back from class. And during dinner, I use to see him a lot. And everytime I saw him, my stomach would flip. I honestly wouldn’t care about him…if everytime I looked up to him, he was staring right back at me. Or I would catch him looking at me out of the corner of my eye. Too bad I don’t know his name. And too bad we’ve never talked except when I asked him on open door night, “You’re the one who was playing the drums?” sssmmmooooth.  Then I forgot about him cause I never saw him again. But the other night during dinner, I look up to feel my stomach flip again. He was across the room looking right at me.

uuuggghhhhh. okay i swear im done. i hate talking about guys. because honestly…my life is pretty much without them. i love (note sarcasm) when people don’t understand why I don’t have a guy. That makes me feel soooo great. I don’t need a guy. I’m better off without one. The only thing I’d like to have is just to know that I’m liked by other guys. Maybe that I’m actually doing something right.

I feel my philosophy homework calling me. if i slap it, will it shut up?

not the one who gets smiled at

okay so last time… a leetle depressed. i don’t know whats up with me lately. feeling horrible for no real apparent reason. i really don’t want to go back to college. really really. i dunno, hopefully this quarter will prove better. blah. freshmen year sucks in general.

soooo been attempting to write chapter three of emerald hills. i have ten slides done. woop! i think they sound like complete and utter crap though. i think it’s just from transitioning from watermark (which is mainly descriptions) to emerald hills (which is mainly dialogue). Hopefully it flows better as I keep going and then i can go back and fix things. i don’t really know what to expect with my sims stories. i know it won’t go up to the top 50. it seems only the last chapters of my stories go up there. i think i’ve only had red is the rose chapter three and chapter two of don’t wait up there. ahh so nice. im just only hoping that as time goes on, those little urchines who decide to downrate my story because i left the abode (or that it shows a stereotypical ireland) will forget about me and move on. just hoping.

so the other day, my friend and i went into abercrombie, because i was trying to find an outfit to buy my sister (no success), but i found a scarf that i liked and it was on sale. anywho…when i went up to the cash register, there was a *dreams away* really cute guy there (who woulda thunk? a cute guy working at abercrombie? preposterous!) and he was like “i was just folding these scarves”…err, I didn’t know what to say to that, so i just laughed. And the entire time he kept looking up to me and smiling…which he totally wasn’t doing to the customers before me. Yeah…so that totally made my day. It’s not everday that happens. I’m the quiet girl at the back of the classroom, not the one who gets smiled at.